About excitement and how to learn it

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Looking for…

Excitement, looking for a change, a hobby. What is it, that I want to do? Not in the future, or for all my life, not at work or in society – no, this is just about me. How would I like to spend my free time?

What can I do besides working, studying or spending time with friends and family? What can I do entirely for myself, that enriches my life, that brings fun and levels out what ever stress and issues are bothering me, what can I do, that could be a home to all the thoughts in my head?

This search, has been a dead end at so many points of my life. Other people that are also fighting with this kind of „being different “, might understand what I am trying to say:

A hobby, that might as well be as controversial as religion, an opinion or a certain way of living. In this society, where most people are relatively open towards sex, politics, art or displaying yourself online, the same people seem to regularly lose their minds, when it comes to other people’s hobbies.

Interests, dreams, success – all this is ruled by strict conventions. Starting at school, until I am a young adult today, this issue has been following me, wherever I go.

Sports for instance, everyone needs to do. Especially during school, everyone seemed to have to be enrolled in some kind of a sports team, always paired with the wish to become excellent in what you do. Every second day at practice, looking up to their idols, always thriving to be better than the kid next door. This just wasn’t for me. I used to dance several years, until I was about thirteen years old, but I never was ambitious enough to „become a dancer “: Jumping around in tight suits? Too strict, too pressured. I quit dancing, without a single day of regret.

To this day, I am not a sports fan. Sure, running is my thing. I love to run. But mainly to give myself a reason to become more active and get my day started sooner and better. Being a runner means to be fit and focused, which for me, serves as its only purpose.  However – I for sure don’t run for the running sake. And still everyone seems to ask on a daily basis: „What sports are you doing. “

Really? Just none.

Music, was more my cup of tea. When I was eight years old I started to learn an instrument, the piano, later the clarinet. That was fun. I loved playing in the orchestra and hanging out with the music people, but I was definitely lacking talent to „become a musician “. Playing the second part was totally fine for me, but apparently not fine for those, playing the first part.

Music and my mind worked perfectly together. When sitting in the orchestra pit, concentrating on my music, I just couldn’t help but being anything but happy. But once I graduated High School, there was no orchestra anymore I could attend. I haven’t had any clarinet lesson in years and for any kind of more professional youth orchestras I was definitely not skilled enough. I quit playing the clarinet. I haven’t played a single tone ever since, I sold my piano when I moved out. Do I miss it? Not at all. Playing music is one thing, but listing to music, discovering music, living music – that’s a whole other thing for me. So many wonderful artists, that fill my life with excitement everyday – when it comes to music, that is absolutely enough to me as a hobby.

But for real, listening to music is my hobby? Well, that doesn’t count. Reading. This is how you can tell if a person is intelligent or not, right? Readers are smart, non-readers are not. Easy. Readers live for books. They pretty much eat every single page, stay awake all night to soak in sentence for sentence and then they are so disappointed, once they’ve finished a book, since the characters have become such a huge part of their lives, during the past 3 days.

An intellectual reader, reads classics or 1000+ page-books only in their free time, just because it’s fun. The bestsellers are on the list too, of course, but really just once in a while. 50 Shades of Grey, I mean – is it even a book? It’s just so dumb and profane.

I don’t see the fun part of reading books. This is just not how I want to spend my free time. There are maybe two hands full of books, that have truly amazed me. Overall though, I am just not a big reader. I’m way to impatient to make it through a whole book, I always go the end, when the story gets stuck, so I know how it will end. Pretty straight road to literature hell, I know. But I just can’t bare with the slowly emerging, super boring story line. Give me the facts and I am happy.

I love to read articles tough! A good, short report, that’s a nice piece of reading. Where every sentence is well thought-through, no word to much, no information missing. I love to read magazines! But, common – who am I? Magazine-reader… everyone reads magazines… at the doctor’s office.

Once I had made it through school, this whole issue had gone through a change. Most people my age have been dealing with the issue, that the whole system around their hobbies is not there anymore.

They moved to different cities, no playing soccer with school mates anymore, no orchestra, or choir, no money, no time, no muse. But coming home every night from work, having nothing to do, but watching some bullshit TV or running around the block, killing the time until its late enough to go to sleep? For me personally, there is no straighter way into depression than this.

Whatever I do at night in my free time is just my business. Whether other people take these activities for serious or not, shouldn’t be bothering me. But reality is slightly more difficult.

Once the real life has started, my life would turn around one subject only. All our attention is dedicated to the sector we work in, the subject we study, very specific, very narrow. Day to day I was dealing with the same people, the same themes, the same thoughts. It drove me crazy. Like insane crazy. I couldn’t come home from work every night staring at the TV, fucking frantically trying to get my thoughts back in order. I wanted to do something totally else, something that had absolutely nothing to do with my job. But not only that, I wanted a structure, a goal to work towards, I wanted to be rewarded for my work, I wanted to learn what true dedication is.

There used to be exactly one thing, that kept me from doing so. People. People have been pretty harsh about what I do. In this world, where everyone feels so normal when going online and posting what was going on, I just felt so terrified starting this blog. Weird right?

Found a new song on Spotify? Share it! Facebook is asking what going on! Share it. Had a great dinner? Should post it on Insta. All normal, all unpersonal, boring stuff everybody does. No bravery required, no skill needed.

All this really gets interesting, once you do something, that is not done by everybody and not everyone is even able to do. You will be talked about. For no reason. Everyone has something he or she is especially good at, but I how society has reflected on me, I feel like this one special thing is so precious, that it should better be hidden in a far back corner of you head. That’s pretty save an uncomplicated, but simply a waste.

Going online is scary. At least for me. Of course people would say „so cool you put up you self written poetry on BlogSpot“, or „so awesome you have been singing on your YouTube channel“. But you still feel like you have approached this „weirdo“ position. Misunderstood. „So, the Internet is your hobby now? Why are you doing this? What do you hope for? Money? Fame? “

The questioners of this world, who cannot understand, what is so easy to be understood. When you find something great, when you see something or experience something that just hits your heart at super full speed, you just got to do it. You just fell in love. You need to spend your time with the sweetheart. You jump on a train that will bring you further and further into new worlds, that will feel just plain perfect for you. You will get addicted, obsessed, you will be searching again, you will learn that you can’t follow any conventions, ever. You start doing.

I don’t want to be the shooting star, I don’t want to earn the applause for my performance, but neither do I want to sit at home and acting like, I don’t even have hobby.

If you’re not truly passionate about something, why are you even doing it? Or even worse, if you are passionate about something, how can anything keep you from doing it?

That’s what this blog is about. That’s what People in Love is about.

 

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