We gave away home


Life is a journey. But, It’s always best at home.

The place you are born, your parents house, the families home. For some reason, those are the left over values of a time several decades ago. Once you have finished high school, its obviously time to go into the world and start living your life. Meeting new people, new places, new everything. Parents however are just ment to stay in the exact place their children have left them, watching over their children’s rooms, that will get emptier and emptier as the years go by. They stay where they are and they wait for nothing.
They wait in the place where you grew up, the house that belongs to the street, where you learned how to ride a bike, to the garden, where you celebrated your birthdays. There’s still the kitchen table, where you have been drinking with your friends, while your parents went on vacation, there’s the garage, where you parked your first car, the bed, you had your first sex in. In this house you have been fighting and laughing, your parents became your hero to your guards, your watch-overs and then, some time ago they became just your parents.

But all of this is the stuff of the past. Moving out is fantastic. Why is it, that every time you think of „home“, you think of this particular building? Why does everyone thing, that it is here, where your roots are, that your life goes from here?

Last year, we gave away this house. We picked every piece of our belongings, every book, every memory up, putting them into boxes, our cars, blue trash bags.
Box after box we carried out of the door, every piece of furniture, every plate, every for and dish was split between my brother and me. We made a decision on any little piece that was kept in this house. Nothing was left behind.

We gave away out cat and then, we just closed the door behind us and left.
We rented new places, took all of our belongings into these new apartments, we created new homes. Three in one year.

Today, a new family lives in our old home. They teared down the wall into kitchen, with the little window. My whole life I used to sit on the window shield, watching my mom cooking. (And everyday she told me, not to sit there.)

The window shield is now gone. The families children will grow up, where we grow up. They will eat, where we ate, they will fight, where we fought, they will cook, where we cooked, learn to ride their bikes in the same street, celebrate their birthday in the same garden as we, where there’s still the raspberry tree standing. They will pick the ripe berries this summer, to bake the cake, just like my mom did year for year. And one day, these kids will have grown up, they’ll move out and come “home” to the place, where I grew up as well.
See, what I’m trying to say, is this: The address, the house is the same. But the home will be a different one.
When the day comes, these kids are moving out, they will have lived their whole lives in this house. But a completely different one, from the one we lived. Maybe, they haven’t even notices the raspberry tree yet.

That sounds sort of horrible. Some of my friends, still can’t understand what happened. When everyone goes to their parents places over the christmas holiday and stay for a week or two, I will have a cozy evening at my mom’s apartment and then I drive home. In my apartment, where I feel home. Because my mom’s apartment is just my mom’s apartment, and besides getting to see the family, there isn’t really a reason to sleep on her couch several nights.
Everyone says then, that it’s super sad, I don’t have a home anymore.

2015 was floated by “selling the house”. Weeks and months this one thing had taken over our lives. We didn’t talk about anything else, we didn’t spend our freetime on anything but cleaning this house from our memories. It’s a crashing activity, the throwing away. We learned, that we couldn’t house from everything, we learned how to throw away things, that you don’t need but still would want to keep. We have learned, that once you wipe away the good memories, the damage fades as well. We learned what it’s like not to eat on the same table everyday and what it’s like to leave and come by yourself. This all meant to also learn how to make “family” work, without living at the same spot anymore. What an exhausting, yet rewarding task it is, to stay connected.

Giving away the cat, was the worst part. To this day, this fact hovers over us as the ultimate proof, that we lost a battle, we needed to win so bad. This pet, that we loved so dearly. We couldn’t take care of him anymore, we sad goodbye and found a new family to do so in out place.
But loss is a loss. And you can’t make up loss, you can only get used to it.

Do I feel kicked out? Homeless? Up in the air? Is it bothering, that this house isn’t ours anymore? That we don’t live in our home town anymore? No, not at all.

When it was time to leave, I moved to Düsseldorf. One year after graduation. This city and I fell deeply, deeply in love.
Everyday it pays back to me, what I lost and more. I grew to be more happy than ever before in this place, I wouldn’t change a thing. Yet, I think it will be time to move on in a year, maybe two. That doesn’t have anything to do with being restless or having nowhere to belong, its just due to the fact, that every home you call you own, is also a ticking time bomb. Luck does come out of a fountain, but it is certainly not infinite. Once you’ve used it all up, you don’t have a choice but to move on in order to pursue happiness. It’s either swim or sink.
The house where I grew up, will always be a home. A home of the past. I home if this one certain time of my life, the time where I grew up. Our time was over. We couldn’t make a single new memory, couldn’t take a single more day, where my brothers and my whole life took place. We had changed, the house hadn’t.

The street, the garden, the seat on the window shield. I don’t ever want to go back there. Comfort, beauty or personal attachment, these are no reason to just stay in one place. Düsseldorf, I love you. But when it’s time, I will pack my things and go, because I can’t get any happier here anymore. I will break up with you and go.

We gave away our home. WE GAVE IT AWAY. It wasn’t taken from us.
Today, its better for other children, that will grow up in the place, where we used to be so miserable for the most part, what so ever.

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